As we sat in the rickshaw, I mulled over what had just happened. I was blown away by the interaction. It didn’t turn out the way we initially had hoped for, but in many ways it turned out better. I am reading Swami Ramdas’ book “In Vision of God” at the moment, and he comes up against so many situations where he has to surrender to God’s will, and he does so happily. Now it’s our turn. It feels good to see things this way. There is a lot less tension involved.
We had another test at the train station. When it came to our turn to speak to the lady at the bookings counter, she got up without a word and walked away for around half an hour leaving us standing there. Nix and I used the time to chant Ram Nam (God’s Name) to ourselves. I reminded myself that the kind bookings counter lady was providing us the opportunity to do this. I have to say it worked. My usual feelings of impatience and irritation didn’t arise. In fact, not only did they not arise, feelings of gratitude and wonderment arose in their place. Swami Ramdas definitely knows what he is talking about.
Disappointingly, I failed test number 3. An older man was pushed up right against me and had his hand clutching a ticket booking slip in my face for the entire time that we were waiting. He was clearly annoyed at having to wait and let out several sighs and groans so everyone could know this. I let his behaviour slide, we are in India after all and queuing politely is not Indians’ strong point, but when the lady returned he got more aggro and tried to push me out the way. I pushed him back. Things went South really quickly. A guy next to him started to shout that I shouldn’t push him. It turned out the guy was his father and I also got accused of being ageist and was told to show him respect. I responded that he had shown me no respect by pushing me in the first instance, and that I was making space for us at the desk again as we hadn’t finished our booking. Even Nix defended me, so he must really have pushed. Normally she wouldn’t back me on something like that. Anyway, reason and logic never work where angry people are concerned, I should know this by now. I instantly felt bad at having reacted instinctively and with my old patterns of anger – fighting fire with fire never works. Fighting never works full stop. So I attempted to calm the situation down but this didn’t work either, and more people started shouting. It was as if the anger was palpably permeating the entire train station. What I found curious was that nobody seemed to think the guy pushing me in the first place was a problem. I began to think that Swami Muktananda was behind it somehow to see how we would deal with the situation! So there was nothing for it but to bow and put my hands together to apologize then leave. Time to let that ego go again. More work needs to be done on my anger. It’s always there just below the surface. Maybe it always will be, but I need to be in control of it so that it doesn’t flare up. I need to substitute anger with love. If love is there anger cannot be. It is a very great challenge for me, but one I am prepared to face and overcome.
I let Rajan know that I won’t be able to come to harmonium classes for the next couple of weeks and he was gutted. I told him not to worry and that I will be back soon to pick up where I left off. We have no doubt that there is a good reason for us having to go to Amma’s. We’re open to, and excited about, that prospect. Swami Ramdas constantly mentions the need to surrender to God’s will, which he does at every turn. I believe him and see why this is necessary to progress on the spiritual path. Our perspectives have adjusted a great deal since being in India. In fact, it was Amma that propelled us on this path. Perhaps she wants to check up on us ;) Amma, here we come....