Around 1am last night I asked Nix for a torch then walked to the front door before realizing I had no idea what I was doing. Escaping from Anandashram perhaps.... It’s quite unsettling when the sleep/wake state blurs. I get a strange feeling of emptiness and disorientation afterwards. I used to frequently experience this at boarding school – waking up in the middle of the night, not knowing where I am or who I am.
Margaret, a kind German lady who has been visiting Anandashram for some 20 years, told me that she’s never met anybody who has as much enthusiasm to learn harmonium as I do. I love it, although I felt disheartened yesterday after hearing Sunder play a bhajan session and feeling I have a long way to go. I realized that this repeatedly happens to me – I work really hard at something, then get disillusioned when I compare myself to others who I think are better than me. It is all ego, and I am missing the point of playing the harmonium for the sake of playing the harmonium. It’s not about achieving anything. We are so geared up to believe that the point of doing anything is to “succeed”. Ultimately I’m an instrument (probably a harmonium) of Ram and can do nothing by myself. I need to remember this. When I haven’t done so in the past dejection has set in, and I’ve been submerged in a feeling of pointlessness which seriously impedes spiritual growth. It seriously impedes everything as a matter of fact....
Nix came with me to Rajan’s yesterday morning to hand over some photos she had taken at the NSS Auditorium show last month. Vanaja had given her material to make a dress before we left for Amritapuri, so Nix also took the opportunity to show off the finished article. She’s looking pucka Indian now ;) When we get to Mumbai I’m going to send her off for a Bollywood audition. Rowdy Rathore “Don’t Angry Me” feat. Nicola Jane Rixon in the Mixon.... As we had breakfast together after the harmonium class Rajan said my long fingers mean I have a good heart and a natural ability for playing harmonium. He said thieves often have short, fat fingers. I love the Indian way of looking at things. He went on to discuss Women’s Lib in India with Nix and learnt quickly that it’s safest to listen and not answer back ;) Just smile and wave Rajan.... Smile and wave....
Margaret, a kind German lady who has been visiting Anandashram for some 20 years, told me that she’s never met anybody who has as much enthusiasm to learn harmonium as I do. I love it, although I felt disheartened yesterday after hearing Sunder play a bhajan session and feeling I have a long way to go. I realized that this repeatedly happens to me – I work really hard at something, then get disillusioned when I compare myself to others who I think are better than me. It is all ego, and I am missing the point of playing the harmonium for the sake of playing the harmonium. It’s not about achieving anything. We are so geared up to believe that the point of doing anything is to “succeed”. Ultimately I’m an instrument (probably a harmonium) of Ram and can do nothing by myself. I need to remember this. When I haven’t done so in the past dejection has set in, and I’ve been submerged in a feeling of pointlessness which seriously impedes spiritual growth. It seriously impedes everything as a matter of fact....
Nix came with me to Rajan’s yesterday morning to hand over some photos she had taken at the NSS Auditorium show last month. Vanaja had given her material to make a dress before we left for Amritapuri, so Nix also took the opportunity to show off the finished article. She’s looking pucka Indian now ;) When we get to Mumbai I’m going to send her off for a Bollywood audition. Rowdy Rathore “Don’t Angry Me” feat. Nicola Jane Rixon in the Mixon.... As we had breakfast together after the harmonium class Rajan said my long fingers mean I have a good heart and a natural ability for playing harmonium. He said thieves often have short, fat fingers. I love the Indian way of looking at things. He went on to discuss Women’s Lib in India with Nix and learnt quickly that it’s safest to listen and not answer back ;) Just smile and wave Rajan.... Smile and wave....
