Blog - What is Your Good Name?

From India to Indo – 1st April 2014

3/31/2014

24 hours and a sweaty train trip later, we’ve arrived in Mumbai. It actually felt cool here last night which illustrates how hot it was in Kerala. One day and night on the Netravathi Express sans AC was a challenge, but provided ample opportunity for Ram Nam ;) Swami Muktananda kindly gave us a shopping bag full of Prasad before we left so our food situation was taken care of....

Both Nix and I put our backs out during the journey by pulling luggage from under the seat which added another dimension of challenge, particularly since we were carrying more luggage than ever before with the addition of my Ramonium. Fortunately I met Fazal during one of several lengthy and apparently pointless stops during the night. We got chatting and when our journey came to an end he kindly helped us carry the Ramonium to the prepaid taxi booth at Lokmanya Tilak Terminus.

The booth is somewhat inconveniently located under a motorway bridge about 5 minutes walk from the station, which necessitates running the gauntlet of taxi touts who will rob you blind if you agree to go with them. The prepaid fare was Rs 390, which was a substantial improvement on the Rs 1500 the thieving taxi crew attempted to charge us last time we did the trip from LTT to Andheri. Fazal joined us as he needed to go to the airport which thereby reduced the fare further. As we sat in the chaotic Mumbai traffic I noticed Hindi script on the driver’s dashboard. I looked more closely and realized it said “Ram” – when I pointed this out to Nix we both laughed. Everything has been arranged.

We had momos at Mahindra’s stall last night. It was good to see him, and Laiq and Caroline again. We leave for Indonesia tonight.... On Malaysian Airlines....

And for anyone interested in finding out more about Anandashram here is a video that Swami Jyotirmayananda has put together:

Hasten Slowly – 28th March

3/28/2014

Swami Jyotirmayananda had a chat with Nix and I about bhajans yesterday afternoon over a cuppa. I mentioned my harmonium practice to him and he said that when doing anything we should “hasten slowly”. We should have boundless enthusiasm coupled with a relaxed focus, whilst taking our time to complete the task in hand. When we reach this perfect state of equilibrium everything we do will be of the highest quality. I’m not quite there yet. I have a lot of enthusiasm, but my focus cannot really be called “relaxed” ;) Intense might be a better description. And I’m not big on taking my time – everything should be done yesterday as far as I’m concerned. So there’s room for improvement, but 1.5 out of 3 ain’t too bad I guess ;)

This morning at breakfast I observed one of the servers who is always friendly to me, and one who never is, and it struck me that both are in fact necessary. Just like a battery needs both positive and negative in order to create energy. As such, I should treat both with the same respect, and understand that the cosmic order unquestionably transcends my extremely limited view of what is “good” and what is “bad”. OK, so I’ve had the inner prompting, now it’s crunch time – practice what thou preachest bru....

Walking back from our local chai shop Nix and I questioned what we are going to do in Mumbai for the last few days of April. We want to leave India on a positive note. Our question was answered all of 15 minutes later – nice work Ram! Swami Muktananda told us he will be in Mumbai during that time, so we can connect with him. And Swami Chandrananda told us about Sri Ramesh Balsekar – a householder (household?) Saint who lives in Mumbai and is open to being visited. Bonus. Suddenly the final days we were worried might drag on and leave us with a bad taste seem like they will be awesome and need to be longer....

We leave for Mumbai this Sunday. Our stay at Anandashram was originally going to be 1 week. It turned into 5 weeks. We have had remarkable experiences here and are very grateful for all of them. We will miss the Ashram, but look forward to returning.... Between now and then we’ll make best use of the time to do Ram Nams at home ;) The Ashram would be nothing without the people – big thanks to all who have been part of the journey. And big thanks to Rajan and his family who we will also miss a great deal – in the meantime I’ve got a year to get my chops up on the Ramonium ;)

Keep calm and Remember Ram

Ram Nam Lockdown – 27th March 2014

3/27/2014

Yesterday it was mostly Ram’s will for Nix to (mistakenly) lock me in our room. He has a somewhat painful sense of humour. There are bars covering all the windows so I wasn’t going anywhere. Fortunately I had my Ramonium, so I spent the time blasting Ram Nams to subside the irritation I was feeling. Needless to say Nix thought it was all very funny. As she walked back from the dining hall she couldn’t understand how I was playing Ram Nams from our locked room whilst simultaneously eating lunch. She thought I’d achieved supernatural powers and could manifest in two places at once. Sadly, this was not the case. Anyway, I got some good practice in before Nix eventually freed me, which is fortunate since Sunder’s Mum told Nix she wanted me to lead the evening’s main Ram Nam session in the Bhajan hall. When I heard this news I pooped myself a bit. I would be playing Ram Nam to a hall full of people who had been doing Ram Nam for many years, in several cases for longer than I’ve been alive. I’ve been playing Ramonium and singing for the grand total of 3 weeks. Furthermore, 45 minutes playing time is a long time for something to go Pete Tong. I was hoping to get about another 5 years practice in before leading a Ram Nam.... Evidently Ram thought otherwise. Time to be fearless and get on with it.

I used my Ramonium so it could soak up the positive vibrations from the Bhajan hall. Word was out that I would be leading so Swami Chandrananda came to support, as did Ishvar and a few others who don’t normally attend the evening Ram Nam. As I sat waiting for Swami Jyotirmayananda to finish playing his Bhajan session, I started to sweat buckets. No tension here. Move along, move along.... Remembering Swami Muktananda’s advice I took Ram to task:

“Come on Ram, why are you making me feel nervous when I am here to play your tunes?”

I kept reminding myself to let go of my ego and sing Ram Nam as an offering to all. I’m in this for the good vibes, not to boost my ego....

As I was given the nod to start my fingers were actually shaking. I had to laugh at myself. Let go, let go, let go.... It’s all Ram mate, not you.... Slowly my nervousness faded and was replaced by enjoyment, which was in turn replaced by the thought “Oh, I’m actually doing pretty well”, which was promptly followed by epic fails on a few of the phrases. It’s amazing – whenever thought comes in to the equation, mistakes creep in too. Ram made quite a lot of mistakes that evening as it happens. It occurred to me that He was doing so to allow me to move beyond my ego. All I could do was smile and carry on ;)

Playing the harmonium is a brilliant method for going beyond. This was the first time that I’ve played music for others where I’ve felt fully supported by every single person in the room. I got a very strong sense they were all completely present with me. There were no judgements from any of them, only happiness that I was stepping up. All of which was diametrically opposed to my usual experience at electronic music gigs of the past.... It felt incredible, and that same sense of gratitude arose which has graced me in India on so many previous occasions.

After the session many of those attending came up to me to say well done. One of the guys said he was very grateful that I was taking such an interest in the ashram and in Indian traditions. The people of India invariably have a buoyant way of looking at life – they so often find the positive in a situation. I definitely feel like part of a family here. People are still congratulating me today, and many of the ladies have been telling Nikki how brilliant they thought the session was. I think they gauged it on Bhakti Bhava as opposed to technical ability. In other words, they went on feeling, and I was giving it some. Apparently my voice carried well, which must have helped on that front. It may also have masked the bum notes I played ;) It’s intriguing that I am always the harshest judge of myself – I thought I played and sang badly, but nobody else in the hall agreed. We’re way too critical in the West – too much head (don’t take that the wrong way), and not enough heart....

Swami Muktananda gave me another mala yesterday afternoon. I was given one by John at Amritapuri and I bought myself another in Srirangam, so that makes 3 I’ve got hanging around my neck. I am beginning to feel like a hippy version of Mr T....

Nix and I were in Kanhangad today and saw an advert for a shop called “Hitler Gents and Kids Clothing”. I was curious to know what sort of clothing they sold - SS uniforms perhaps. I’m not sure that particular brand would take off in the West....

Astral Flowguard ™ - 25th March 2014

3/25/2014

The Blackpool-type organ instrumental Ram Nam that was playing on repeat in the dining hall last night was quite surreal. I felt like I was trapped in a never-ending elevator. The thought crossed my mind to fetch the Ramonium and do battle with the CD player.... Fortunately for everyone else having dinner that particular thought crossed my mind and kept on going.... As I sat there thinking I saw a picture of Sri Meher Baba on the wall opposite me. He looks like the Indian version of Peter Sellers, and above his image was the text “Love God, Love Me”. I find that both hilarious and profound at the same time ;)

I’ve noticed Indian plumbing parts have great brand names like” Astral Flowguard” and “Fancy Connector”.... I’m always intrigued by what Indians find “fancy”. There are “Fancy” stores all over the place, which are home to nothing but cheap Chinese junk and miscellaneous brik-a-brak. My guess is that “Fancy” actually means “Crap” in India.

Nix heard from a reliable source that Swami Muktananda is 70 years old. You could have knocked me over with a feather when she told me. I would have said he is mid 50s tops. Clearly this Ram Nam business has beneficial effects on multiple levels. If everyone took to chanting Ram Nam, the plastic surgery, cosmetic and fad health food various industries might collapse. He looks great for his age, has bundles of energy and is incredibly sharp – something other 70 year olds are not generally known for.

I thought I’d give Dabur’s “Red” herbal toothpaste a go, since we’ve run out of our favourite, Vicco Vajradanti. It’s akin to brushing your teeth with tiger balm. Zesty fresh. I think the tube should carry a warning. An hour has passed and I still can’t taste anything....

Apparently it’s Ram’s will that birds should shite all over my lovingly hand washed clothes that were drying on the line outside. At 6am I failed to see the funny side of that particular Lila of His.... Another laborious morning of bucket washing lies ahead of me then.... Rinse and repeat, as Vidal Sassoon might say. As I cycled to harmonium class this morning, a fly flew in my eye. I reckon Ram must be having a laugh. Note to self – always wear sunglasses on bicycle, even if it’s dark....

As I practiced yesterday, I accidentally hit some notes on the Ramonium that made my playing sound like a Johnny Clegg song.... I would say it was a happy mistake, but I wasn’t really going for the Zaiko Langu Langu sound ;)

The Ramonium - 23rd March 2014

3/24/2014

Whilst playing my harmonium the idea of being an instrument of Ram came to mind again. It occurred to me that this is not some abstract concept, but a logical conclusion. In relative terms I put effort and repetition in to my harmonium practice. But, in absolute terms, I have no control whatsoever over the learning and playback process – the synapses firing in my brain are not under my control, the memory centres of my brain are not under my control, the reflexes in my fingers are not under my control. So under whose control are they? Well, that’s easy – Ram of course. I’m going to call my harmonium the Ramonium from now on to help me remember.

As I sat in the dining hall this morning eating a breakfast of pongal and coffee, that familiar feeling of separation arose. A Dutch guy sat opposite me, who I don’t find very friendly, triggered this. I know I need to see Ram in him, but the fact is I don’t. I widened my field of vision to incorporate everybody in the dining hall, and realized that I don’t see Ram in many of those people either. Do I genuinely see Ram in anybody? I don’t think I even see Ram in myself if I’m honest. At best I see glimmers of Ram in some people some of the time. So, as Swami Muktananda suggested, I took Ram to task ;) I asked why I feel this feeling of separation with many people, and why I do not feel unity with and God in all. It will be interesting to see what comes back. My thoughts then moved on to the important business of naming chickens. It’s never a dull day in my mind. We need to get some more when we get home, preferably 4 of them, so that we can bestow upon them the following genius names - Pongal, Idly, Dosa and.... Ram.

Today is Ram Nam day, like every day, but more.... Swami Muktananda attends all the sessions. I love it because the energy is much higher when he is there. Everyone else attends too – I think they are scared of being found out by him if they don’t. I wouldn’t want to get on the wrong side of Swami Muktananda either ;) We went to see him yesterday so I could ask a question and Nix could get a mala. I have been reading another of Swami Ramdas’ books in which he describes “Om Sri Ram Jai Ram Jai Jai Ram” like this:

“Om is impersonal Truth. Sri is Divine Power. Ram is God who is both Truth and Divine Power, personal and impersonal. Jai Ram is Victory to God. When God is victorious in your heart, all darkness born of the ego-sense disappears. There is then nothing but a feast of immortal joy and peace for you.”

I wanted clarification on what personal and impersonal means. He told me that it simply means form and formless, in other words space and objects in space. For me it is helpful to know what the words mean so that I don’t fall into chanting them mechanically. If I meditate on Ram whilst chanting His name then that is God consciousness I guess. I’m not sure why God is commonly referred to as a He. As I spoke to Swami Jyotirmayananda the other day I mentioned to him that I didn’t feel God was a He or She. He agreed and replied:

“God is not a Mr or Mrs. God is a Mystery!”

Succinctly put ;)

We were given a ridiculously sweet desert at lunch today. I think it’s called “jalabi” and to all intents and purposes it’s a hardened version of a koeksister. As I bit into it, I thought to myself that jalablis were an acquired taste. After 3 bites I had acquired the taste. I finished two of them off without any difficulty.

Swami Muktananda is MIA today, so I’ve slacked off on the Mandir Ram Nams in favour of singing my own in our room accompanied by the Ramonium and Nix on Ting Tings.

Escape from Anandashram - 21st March 2014

3/20/2014

Around 1am last night I asked Nix for a torch then walked to the front door before realizing I had no idea what I was doing. Escaping from Anandashram perhaps.... It’s quite unsettling when the sleep/wake state blurs. I get a strange feeling of emptiness and disorientation afterwards. I used to frequently experience this at boarding school – waking up in the middle of the night, not knowing where I am or who I am.

Margaret, a kind German lady who has been visiting Anandashram for some 20 years, told me that she’s never met anybody who has as much enthusiasm to learn harmonium as I do. I love it, although I felt disheartened yesterday after hearing Sunder play a bhajan session and feeling I have a long way to go. I realized that this repeatedly happens to me – I work really hard at something, then get disillusioned when I compare myself to others who I think are better than me. It is all ego, and I am missing the point of playing the harmonium for the sake of playing the harmonium. It’s not about achieving anything. We are so geared up to believe that the point of doing anything is to “succeed”. Ultimately I’m an instrument (probably a harmonium) of Ram and can do nothing by myself. I need to remember this. When I haven’t done so in the past dejection has set in, and I’ve been submerged in a feeling of pointlessness which seriously impedes spiritual growth. It seriously impedes everything as a matter of fact....

Nix came with me to Rajan’s yesterday morning to hand over some photos she had taken at the NSS Auditorium show last month. Vanaja had given her material to make a dress before we left for Amritapuri, so Nix also took the opportunity to show off the finished article. She’s looking pucka Indian now ;) When we get to Mumbai I’m going to send her off for a Bollywood audition. Rowdy Rathore “Don’t Angry Me” feat. Nicola Jane Rixon in the Mixon.... As we had breakfast together after the harmonium class Rajan said my long fingers mean I have a good heart and a natural ability for playing harmonium. He said thieves often have short, fat fingers. I love the Indian way of looking at things. He went on to discuss Women’s Lib in India with Nix and learnt quickly that it’s safest to listen and not answer back ;) Just smile and wave Rajan.... Smile and wave....

Prison Cell Block Swami Ramdas - 19th March 2014

3/19/2014

There is a large strip light right outside our window that has been left on all night for the past 3 nights, so our room is blasted by fluorescent light until daybreak which lends a certain prison cell quality to the experience. There is no switch to turn it off and it’s positioned too high to reach up and remove the bulb. My mind has been vacillating between surrendering to what is and throwing a stone to break the bulb ;) Fortunately surrender is winning the battle.

My foot had a couple of chunks of skin taken out of it during Bhajan Hall cleaning at Amma’s Ashram when a large stack of chairs I was moving fell on me. The heat and humidity have turned the chunks into sores that aren’t healing. I have since learnt that flies love to land on sores. This was happening a lot during meditation yesterday which meant that my meditation went right out the window. I spent the entire time swatting flies away. I find it strange that surrender is generally viewed as a weakness in society – it is intensely hard to achieve this state. The flies on my open sores pulled me right back into ego. I had visions of them laying larvae in the sores and a subsequent maggot explosion a la Aliens. “Start again, start again” as Goenka would say.

I enjoyed the harmonium class today. Rajan complimented me on playing the harmonium smoothly and quickly. Feels better to hear that than “Ah, you haven’t been practicing enough”, but that’s all ego again innit. It shouldn’t make any difference – praise or blame should be accepted equally. However, I ain’t there yet. In my current state of spiritual evolution, praise is still preferable to blame ;) I’m quite surprised that I hadn’t forgotten what he taught me after the harmonium abstinence period at Amritapuri. My harmonium was returned from the repair shop yesterday. Wicked to have it back with me. The pitch buttons are still knackered, but the double reeds sound rich and wide. I’m looking forward to taking it for a spin later today....

Is it a Bird? Is it a Plane? No, it’s Bicycle Man - 18th March 2014

3/19/2014

Nix and I went to speak to the female Guru last night. I forget her name, but when in doubt “Mataji” usually does the job, so that’s what I’ll call her here. Mataji was very gentle and unassuming, unlike the Swami we met in Kharshali last year who flew in with his retinue via helicopter. He completely took over the guest house we were staying and made everyone run around after him or sit at his feet when they weren’t doing that. Anyway, I am happy to report this was not the case in this instance. Mataji’s English was faltering, so I threw in a few words of Hindi to make an effort. She took that to mean that I speak fluently. I don’t (not even close), so our head wobbling and smiling at appropriate junctures in the conversation were put to the test. She was very happy to find out that we were “Pure Veg”. At least we’ve got that box ticked ;) We enjoyed spending some time with her – the good vibrations worked more effectively than the Hinglish did, and we once again felt grateful to be in India.

Matjaji spent the night on the balcony, sleeping on a small wooden slat with a portable shrine by her side, before starting off on her walk again at 5am this morning. Big respect for walking all the way from Rajasthan. Indians take Sadhana to a new level – we are incredibly lazy in the West when it comes to things like that. If we have to live a day without Facebook we think we are undergoing strenuous hardship.

For reasons unknown there were lots of explosions throughout the night. It was quite bizarre and didn’t really help with the sleeping situation. I managed about 3 hours, and visited the homeopathic doctors this morning to see if they could help. The pills they gave me last time worked well, so fingers crossed. Even if the pills don’t work, they taste great, so it’s a win win ;) Homeopathic medicine is the only medicine in the world that is pleasant to the palate. It’s like eating sweets and there’s no danger of OD’ing. Large.

I was greeted by several of Vanaja’s dance students after harmonium practice this morning. They have met me only once or twice but all remembered my name. I wish I could say the same in reverse, but I am totally dyslexic where Malayalam is concerned. The locals have taken to calling me “bicycle man”, which makes me sound like some sort of nerdy superhero distinctly lacking in special powers. I suppose a white guy cycling around daily on a Little Miss India Fashion bike tends to stand out. It’s a good a name as any.... Better than “twat” at any rate.

Mobile Blessing Unit - 17th March 2014

3/17/2014

Yesterday evening a mobile blessing unit pulled in to the Ashram. Basically this consisted of a truck decked out as a mini temple that had several Saddhus on hand to dispense the necessary blessings. And there was of course the obligatory OK Loud Please sound system. I have no idea what they were doing it for, other than to spread good vibes. There were 2 way blessings happening as Swami Muktananda got into the swing of things and went onboard to bless the truck. A veritable superhighway of blessings. You have to love India.

I am back in insomniac mode. I’d forgotten what that’s like since I’ve had nearly 2 months of decent sleep. Last night was incredibly hot – our room is like a sauna, oven and hairdryer all rolled into one. The power went down shortly after we turned the lights out to go to sleep. Incredibly hot quickly turned into ridiculously hot. At Amma’s Ashram there was often a sea breeze to take the edge off, but here there is no wind to speak of (other than from people’s rear ends) since we are several miles inland. Surrender time. It reminded me of our stay in Tamil Nadu during their summer last year. One word springs to mind - “merciless”. Today I feel like a zombie. I made it to Rajan’s at 7am and put a couple of hours harmonium practice in, came back to the Ashram and almost fell asleep during Ram Nam. In my vacant state I walked out of our room enroute to the Bhajan Hall leaving the door wide open. Unbelievably everything was still present and correct when Nix returned. A mistake like that in South Africa would have yielded very different results. Again, it’s hard not to love India....

Our new neighbour is a female Guru who arrived this morning. Her entourage tell us that she is walking from Rajasthan to Kanyakumari. That’s a very long way. I would find that taxing enough on a train. She has quite a few people on her “team”, and they are all hanging around on the balcony area next to our room so this could be interesting. It could also be amazing – let’s see. It’s all Ram’s Will innit. Stay open and surrender Michael....

The Prodigal Children Return - 16th March 2014

3/17/2014

The prodigal children have returned to Anandashram. It’s good to be back although I felt as flat as a pancake yesterday, which may have had something to do with the overnight train journey. I find that travelling in India really takes it out of me. When we arrived at Kanhangad station we booked our tickets to Mumbai for the 30th March. Unfortunately there are only non AC general sleeper seats available, so the journey will undoubtedly be a challenge. Ah well, we started out our trip with a hectic train journey from Mumbai to Omkareshwar during Diwali, so why not end with another one? It might show us how far we have progressed on the spiritual path, or it might highlight how far we’ve gone backwards ;) Summer has kicked in here and the temperature is growing steadily more deadly which creates another challenge. Bring it on. Surrender, surrender, surrender....

Nix and I were greeted by the other Ashramites when we arrived. They were happy to see us - apparently we look “radiant” ;) It feels like we’ve come home and are part of a large extended Indian family. Visiting Amritapuri was beneficial on many levels, but we still don’t gel with the volume of Westerners, separation between Indians and the rest, and apparent lack of structure, schedule or discipline. It was all going Pete Tong in the Ammasphere on the day we left - I think Amma might have been having a moment or taking a break from holding the space at the Ashram, because we saw and experienced an inordinate amount of confrontations throughout the day. Tensions were running high because of publicity around a book slating her which may have contributed to this. Alternatively, perhaps everyone was so sad to see us go they couldn’t bear the thought and threw their toys out the cot as a result, or maybe the planets were out of alignment, who knows.... What I do know is that lack of self-discipline and adherence to practice really shows up in a space like that. I see that reliance on a Guru can help, but I think it can also hinder. Total dependence surely leads to attachment and disempowerment? Amma is commonly referred to as “Mother”, and it’s just like that - if a child is attached to it’s mother, it undergoes hectic separation anxiety and a whole host of other issues throughout its life. I think reliance on a Guru needs to be balanced with self-reliance. But then again, I know the square root of F.A. If everything is indeed God’s Will then it matters not what anyone thinks as all will unfold exactly as it is meant to. It doesn’t do to think too much about this stuff – it makes your head hurt sometimes. Back to surrendering then ;)

I’m not sure where that came from - having a moment myself I think ;) My harmonium is still not back from the repair shop in Mangalore and I’m feeling a bit irritated ;) I’ve been looking forward to playing it big time but no dice.... What would Swami Ramdas do? He’d tell the shop they can keep the harmonium or he’d offer it to a wandering Saddhu and say it’s all Ram’s Will. Hmmm, I’m not really feeling those solutions.... The return date has been shifted three times, so hopefully Tuesday will be a case of third time lucky.... Rajan will be proper annoyed at me if my practice slips. In fact, I’ll be proper annoyed, and my practice has already slipped at Amritapuri. But then it all comes back to God’s Will and surrender to that doesn’t it? Which reminds me of the Ramana Maharishi quote I saw on the Anandashram office wall when we first arrived:

“The ordainer controls the fate of souls in accordance with their prarabdhakarma. Whatever is destined not to happen will not happen, try as you may. Whatever is destined to happen will happen, do what you may to prevent it. This is certain. The best course, therefore, is to remain silent.”

On my way to breakfast this morning, Swami Jyotirmayananda engaged me in a long conversation about the nameless and formless nature of God. I have no idea where that came from either. He never said a word to me during our previous stay at the Ashram, but he was mega keen to speak to me today. Perhaps I’ve picked up some good juju at Amma’s. I enjoyed the conversation and he said we will talk more later. He’s also a very good singer and harmonium player, so I’m gonna pick his brain for top tips ;)

Dove Love and Adios Amma - 14th March 2014

3/14/2014

We had our last Darshan yesterday afternoon. Both Nix and I used our freshly blessed malas to recite Ram Nam whilst we queued, and said thank you to Amma when our turn came to be hugged. No questions, no prayers, no expectations, just grattitude for the Ammazing journey we’ve been on these last few months ;) As has happened at each previous Darshan, Nix and I both mentally said the same thing to Amma without discussing it beforehand. We seem to be on the same page a lot in India. We ask the same questions and experience the same feelings at the same time. I remember this also happened during our first mind-blowing Ayahuasca experience some years back....

Phil and I got to talking (a lot) last night about life, the universe and everything and it occurred to me that he might enjoy/benefit from reading our copy of Swami Ramdas’ Vision of God book, so we went up to the room to fetch it. I noticed there was shit all over our bed – I had no idea how it got there and assumed that Nix or I must have somehow carried it in on the bottom of a bag. I checked the bags, but there was nothing on any of them. Then I heard a “No way! Check this out!” from Phil. There were 2 pristine white doves sitting on a shelf about our bed – one male, one female. What are the chances? It’s incredible that they got in to our room – our window was slightly open, but there are burglar bars and a kokoi in front of it which would have made it challenging for them. Also, I have not seen any white doves in the area at all, only crows, eagles, herons and parrots. The doves were both extremely calm and approachable and watched us intently. I have to admit it felt pretty special – it was as if they were there to see us off. All we needed now was a rainbow or a parting ocean and the miracle would be complete ;) Nix and I tried to shepherd them out through a door/window before we went to sleep, but they were not having any of it. Every time we touched them they would fly in a circle and land back on the shelf. They obviously wanted to be there, and we thought perhaps they were meant to be there, so there was nothing for it but to submit to Ram’s Will and let them be. We were awoken at 5.30am by their coos as they sat at the edge of the shelf looking directly down at us. The doves (or Ram 1 and Ram 2 as we are now calling them) are still here as I’m typing this. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again – I love India. There is magik here and no mistake. What better way to end our visit to Amritapuri....

D Day - 12th March 2014

3/13/2014

We’ve signed up for another Darshan today. Got to get ‘em in while we can ;) Nix introduced me to Phil – another South African and a writer. We did more talky, talky over breakfast, but at least it was spiritual talky, talky ;) We three signed up to hand Prasad packets to Amma this morning, which we duly did after passing our theory class. Everyone was very worried that we might break protocol so we had to run through 2 sets of classes in the queue explaining how and when to hand Amma the Prasad packet. We were also shown diagrams that looked like a war strategy showing where we were supposed to sit, in what order we were supposed to rotate and for how long we were meant to occupy each position. It all seemed incredibly over-complicated to me. I nodded to everything I was told, but inside I had already submitted to God’s Will, mistakes and all, and any tension that had started to arise in me from the panicky assistants disappeared very quickly. For me, taking a job too seriously doesn’t feel like a good thing to do. It causes worry and anxiety very quickly – neither of which are useful, and can filter through to other people, which is even more unhelpful.

After passing out of the Prasad Academy I lined up and was fed into the Amma Prasad mechanism. It all went very smoothly, and was a lot easier than had been made out to be by the assistants. I ignored what I had been told about fixing my attention on Amma’s hand instead looking closely at her eyes as she gave Darshan. They say the eyes are the window of the soul, so I wanted to see what a Saint’s eyes showed me. They looked like black pools and I was fascinated by them. As I watched, a Western girl was brought up to see her. Amma talked to her in Malayalam whilst gazing at her extremely lovingly and sincerely. I have no idea what the girl’s story was, or if she could understand Malayalam (her facial expressions indicated she couldn’t), but she evidently needed that loving contact. Before I had time to think about it anymore, the timing assistant next to me looked at her stopwatch and told me that my time was up. Exit stage left for Michael....

We’ve noticed from our 11th floor vantage point that a lot of birds congregate at Amma’s Ashram in the evening. There are coconut trees for as far as the eye can see, but the birds only come home to roost on the ones in the Ashram grounds. Animals apparently have an affinity for Amma, which doesn’t surprise me. I’ve heard it said of many great yogis that animals of all sorts flock to them. I’m sure the animals can pick up on good vibes, and intrinsically know no harm will come to them when drawing near. A Finnish guy we were speaking to yesterday described the Ashram as “The Ammasphere” which I thought was quite apt ;)

Last night after Darshan we met Gail, another South African bringing the grand total to 3, in the lift and chatted to her till after midnight. It was good to talk, but the result today is that I am knackered and somewhat lacking in patience ;) On my way to Seva this morning I had a Marilyn Monroe moment with my lungi and a gust of wind. I’m not sure how the locals combat this phenomenon. Perhaps they attach tablecloth weights to the edges of the material ;) Anyway, as I got on with cleaning tables in the Bhajan Hall dining area, I suffered a lapse of Ram forgetfulness. There are around a dozen large tables to clean and a woman had taken up a position with her laptop at the furthest one of these. I cleaned tables down the opposite side of the hall to see if she might move in the meantime. She didn’t. As I drew closer to her position I politely asked her if she would mind moving to the other side of the dining area for a moment so I could finish cleaning the tables. She wasn’t having a bar of it. She was a verbose American and told me that she needs to stay exactly where she was to get Amma’s Grace to help her pass a test that she was studying for. I listened, curtly replied “Right” when she finished and turned around to carry on with the other tables. Her way had irritated me and I decided to continue chanting Ram Nam and wiping tables to bring myself out of it. However, she got up and followed me to explain herself further. I stopped her midflow to tell her there was no need to explain herself, but this had the opposite effect of making her want to explain herself even more. She went on to tell me that she lives at the Ashram, that nobody has ever asked her to move her seat whilst cleaning tables and how hard she is trying to be a good person. I didn’t say anything, although I was thinking a great deal. My sarcastic mind was kicking in big time providing me with a host of possible cutting replies to choose from, but thankfully I didn’t give voice to them. She returned to her laptop, eventually moved tables and shortly after left the Bhajan Hall.

Unremitting Ram Nam and table wiping helped me realize that I had judged her on multiple levels, and even though I had not actually said anything to her, she had undoubtedly felt my irritation towards her. I resolved to do things differently should a similar situation arise again. In a matter of 15 minutes one did. A new woman walked down to the end of the Hall to sit at the same table as the American woman had done – the table that I was in the process of cleaning. I told her in as amiable a way as I could that I was in the middle of wiping down the table and asked her if she could please sit at the neighbouring table temporarily. She happily obliged. As I finished the table I remembered the American woman’s explanation for positioning herself there. I thought that perhaps this woman had a similar reason for doing so, and went over to tell her that she was welcome to move back to the freshly cleaned table. She did so and told me that she liked to sit there every morning to be near Amma who lives in the building opposite. Live and learn innit.

After Seva I ordered a coffee with my ragi pancake breakfast to combat the tiredness I was feeling. I noticed the girl serving was wearing an “In Silence” badge. Her publicly expressed desire to be silent was at odds with her actions. She was busy asking the girl next to her if she’d received the text messages she had sent this morning and carried on chatting with her for the duration. Her silent day was evidently a non-starter - it was only 8am. Perhaps someone else had put the badge on her without her realizing – a bit like a “Please kick me” postit note on the back....

We had another Darshan last night. At the last minute I felt inspired to have Amma bless my mala that I’d bought in Srirangam at the suggestion of Dinadayal. Yes, I now have prayer beads – my hippy uniform is almost complete. Nix was sat next to me in the Darshan queue, saw me do this and thought it was such a great idea she did the same ;) So we are now the proud owners of Amma Endorsed Malas ™ ;) I have no idea why I did it, because I’m not superstitious about “magical” items and I certainly have no desire to be as I see that road can lead to the Dark Side of attachment and wrong understanding Luke, but it felt like the right thing to do at the time so I went with it. Let’s see, maybe I’ll develop super powers – Amma Vision or something along those lines.... We’ve signed up for our last Darshan this evening before we leave tomorrow evening for Kanhangad and Anandashram. I’m looking forward to playing my harmonium again....

Grateful Dress - 11th March 2014

3/11/2014

I had a group harmonium lesson yesterday afternoon. I now realize that group harmonium lessons are not too clever as a concept. The teacher is cool, but it’s impossible to hear what you are doing when everyone is playing something different at varying levels of ability. I have one more group lesson this afternoon so I’m going to ask the teacher if he could annotate a bhajan or two for me to learn when I have some peace and quiet to do so at Anandashram.

Amma led a group meditation on the beach last night and then gave a talk afterwards. Nix fired off a sly shot of Amma during the talk before one of the attendees told her off - behold the mighty square image to the left. The gist of the Satsang was the importance of gratitude. She said that to have gratitude towards all things at all times is a very high state to be in, but as most of us are not in that state permanently we need to practice regular Sadhana to help us get there. I have felt the most gratitude I have felt in my life whilst in India. If I could reach that state permanently that would be rather groovy. At the moment though, I am happy (and grateful ;)) to have experienced these temporary waves of gratitude during our journey. Temporary gratitude is better than none at all ;)

Today Amma led another meditation in the Bhajan Hall, gave a further talk and then offered Prasad to all present. Today’s talk was on the importance of dress code. Somebody had given Amma a letter expressing concern about Westerners’ dressing inappropriately in the Ashram. I told Nix she shouldn’t have worn the g-string to Bhajans yesterday night, but she just wouldn’t listen.... Personally I think dress code is a minor and arbitrary topic to broach with Amma, but obviously the asker was worried about it. I used the time to get up and do my table cleaning Seva whilst listening to the answer given. In a nutshell, Amma said that whilst a dress code is helpful in an ashram, nobody should be made to feel bad for wearing what is deemed inappropriate and that tact and kindness should be used if it is necessary to speak to people about the subject. She also inferred that if it was all too much for the person viewing the transgression, they should simply close their eyes.

As Amma sat in the Bhajan Hall eating her lunch after she had given out plates of food to everyone else first, I fought the urge to walk up to where she was sitting and give her a big hug. I would have probably been taken down by a neurotic attendant before I had the chance to complete the hug anyway. I have to say I think Amma is a very special human being. Nix and I are both grateful to have the opportunity to be in her presence. We like her way – she is always the same, smiling and present. That constant sameness of being is a pretty good indicator of having moved beyond body and mind. Big up all Amma massive and crew, even the OCD ones. There are some unusual Ashramites at Amritapuri, and I’m reminded of a conversation with Stephan in Tiruvannamalai - some people who are seen as mentally unbalanced in their home countries are often seen as touched by God in India ;) But then again, what is “balanced”? And as Krishnamurti rightly said, there is nothing good about being well adjusted to a profoundly sick society. India is an ideal place for challenging fixed views – so much goes on here that is way beyond the scope of our Western constructs.... So maybe the unusual Ashramites are mentally unstable, maybe they are touched by the Divine, maybe both, maybe neither.... Either way it’s just another challenge to my judgemental mind, which ultimately is all for my benefit.

Too Much Talky Talky - 10th March 2014

3/11/2014

I was woken up last night just after midnight by the bloke across from us turning on his lights. There are large open air vent blocks in the walls so it was as if he had turned the lights on in our room too. I didn’t get back to sleep thereafter and lots more thoughts arose in my mind till we got up at dawn. I feel I am lacking focus here and need to go inward more. I’ve done far too much chatting and not enough discipline. It feels a bit like I am living in a shopping mall coffee shop. Today I am concentrating on chanting Ram Nam and not putting my attention outward. It felt useful to do this during my first Seva shift this morning. Fortunately I was on duty by myself for much of it, which made it easier to withdraw and go within. I still have not learnt where the line is between being friendly and being pointless. Most of the conversations I engaged in yesterday where all just opinions being bandied back and forth to no end whatsoever. I think most of us talk ourselves in circles. So, today – more focus, more discipline, less talky talky.

Ringmod Ear Syndrome - 9th March 2014

3/9/2014

My ear has been blocked for the last few days after I jumped into the swimming pool. When I hit the water my eardrum felt like it had burst. The pain lasted for several hours afterwards, but thankfully subsided. Since then, my hearing sounds like it is passing through a ringmodulator – a psychedelic experience to say the least. Conversations with people often yield random responses from me when I have not heard what has been said. I went to the doctor and he said my ears are blocked with compacted wax so I’ve been given ear drops to sort the issue out. Let’s see. Nix had the same issue when we arrived in Omkareshwar and it took over a month to resolve. Until then I have to adjust to Bhajans sounding like Darth Vader is singing them.

I’ve noticed that tensions appear to exist between Indians and Westerners in the Ashram. For instance, my experience of the Indian food servers is that they are generally short tempered and unfriendly when dealing with Westerners. As I spoke to the music shop assistant the other day whilst booking a harmonium class he painted a picture of problematic Westerners that he has to regularly deal with. The locals in the surrounding areas also tend to have a standoffish, unhelpful approach that is markedly different to my experiences in Kanhangad. I suppose that tensions are not unexpected given the huge amount of people who visit and/or stay at the Ashram. Where there are people there are dynamics. Where there are people from different cultures, there are even more dynamics. I did however think that there might be more of a cross over as per Anandashram, but there isn’t. Indians don’t mix with the Westerners, and vice versa. I think that is a shame, but as always, it is what it is. I believe the mistrust/dislike mostly develops from misunderstandings – I witnessed an altercation this morning between a Russian and one of the Indian serving ladies over a Rs 2 error in the bill. I’m sure a lot of situations like this take place. It’s very easy to tar and feather an entire culture based on a few bad (and often trivial) experiences. It’s interesting for me to observe and recognize the times that I have done this myself. I need to let go of judgements, and in that regard Amma’s Ashram is an excellent place for me to be. Nix and I made an agreement to avoid saying anything judgemental about anybody at the Ashram today. I’ve been presented with several opportunities to put this into practice already ;) It’s a good practice and one I need to imbibe more thoroughly and continuously.

After my mid-morning Seva Nix introduced me to Chett, a South African she met who has written a book about his experiences at Amma’s Ashram. He is the first South African I’ve met in India. He told me that several South African women arrived at Amritapuri couple of days back but left the very next day as they didn’t gel with the way things were. That would be why I haven’t met any yet then.... I think that to give a new place a fair trial, it’s necessary to stay more than a few hours. South Africa needs more good vibrations so it’s a shame they left without generating or receiving any themselves. Chett asked for my help in setting up a blog to complement his book, so we did that in the Bhajan Hall over lunch. It’s amazing what you can do with a mobile phone wifi hotspot ;)

We’ve been using the 22 flights of stairs walk in our tower block as Ram Nam time. We quite enjoy singing as we go up and down the steps, even if we do get some odd looks from other residents in the building. I’m missing my harmonium practice. Sitting on the floor holding down a chord and singing “Om” for 5 minutes is good for the soul. It’s a simple, enjoyable exercise which puts me in a good headspace. I’m also missing the practices at Anandashram. Whilst it’s good to experience the flexibility at Amma’s Ashram, I find it beneficial to follow a more structured schedule to deepen and strengthen my practice.

We’ve booked our tickets to Indonesia and will be heading there on 2nd April for a couple of weeks to connect with our Tasmanian friends Lisa and Ron. I’m looking forward to experiencing a new country....

People Watching - 8th March 2014

3/8/2014

I am enjoying my table washing and floor mopping Seva duty. My Seva colleagues are Lucy from the UK and Stefan the jolly German opera singer, both of whom are a pleasure to work with and talk to (I do more talking than working I think). The work itself is a lot less taxing than composting was, so double bonus there. Big ups to God’s Will on that one.

We snuck in for another hug the day before yesterday. The bloke giving out Darshan tokens didn’t look too impressed as we turned up again, but he said he’d make “a big exception” for us this time and let us in. God’s Will in the mix again. This time I approached the Darshan queue differently. I didn’t have the energy or desire to muster the sort of concentration required to resolutely fix spiritual questions in my mind and repeat them continuously to Amma, so I people watched through the entire process instead. It was a good experience.

When it came to my turn to be hugged, I was surrounded by Indian men babbling loudly at Amma before having my head shoved into Amma’s chest by one of the multitudinous assistants hovering about. I started to laugh out loud. Saint or no Saint this was hilarious and reminded me of being on an Indian bus. Bizarrely, Amma hugged me for ages. I found that ironic. All my previous attempts at sincere and concentrated spiritual aspiration had resulted in a 30 second hug before being quickly whisked away by assistants. Now I wasn’t thinking about anything lofty and I got 5 minutes worth of hug. Perhaps there is something in that. Perhaps not.

Every Darshan attendee is asked what language they speak before receiving a hug. This information is relayed to Amma by the attendants. I’m not sure what the purpose is for so doing. Every time Amma has given me a hug she has whispered something in my ear that sounds like gibberish. It is the same every time, and sounds like “moodooli, moodooli, moodooli”. It certainly means nothing in English that I am aware of. Perhaps she misheard what the line attendant said and heard “He speaks Malayalam” ;) Maybe it is not meant to mean anything and works instead on a vibrational level. But if that’s the case it would negate the need for her to be told that I speak English. Possibly we create the meaning ourselves. Then again, I don’t suppose it matters a great deal one way or the other.

A the hug finished Nix and I were asked to sit behind Amma. We remained there for a couple of hours. Nix sat with her eyes closed meditating as I had done before. This time I watched the play unfold before me with great interest. I noticed that Indians get to talk to Amma as much as they like and are not forcibly dragged away. This is not the case for Westerners. I have no idea why that is, and it doesn’t really matter. I simply found it interesting to note the difference. I also observed that all eyes were firmly fixed on Amma. I could look at everybody without being noticed at all. Some people waiting in the queue looked extremely tense, some looked expectant, and others looked ecstatic. One woman was breathing really fast whilst rolling her eyes and head. I think she was having a panic attack. Or perhaps she was being overcome by Bhakti. Who knows.... It didn’t look pleasant though, so I sent good vibes in her direction. I am not sure they helped much as her demeanour didn’t change, but it’s the thought that counts eh?

It struck me that everyone on the stage wanted something from Amma, including me. I had basically been praying to her before and during the previous Darshan to help me move forward. Today that felt wrong. The thought came to my mind that she cannot do the work for me, no matter how hard I pray. I have to do it. I know what I need to do, it is just a question of applying myself and doing it. Another thought arose that all Amma can do is point me in the right direction, inspire me and perhaps seed a train of thought and support me along the way. The rest is up to me. It also occurred to me that Amma is not God any more or less than the rest of us, so praying to her seemed like the wrong direction to go. Perhaps I am completely mistaken and she can in fact act as a wish fulfiller, but my feelings and experiences (limited though they be) tell me otherwise. If she could fulfil everyone’s wishes and take them all to the next spiritual level there would be no need for them to keep coming back for more Darshan. She has hugged a lot of people all around the world over the past 30 years or so. I have not heard of any getting enlightened through the process. All the Saints and Sages who have gone before could show us the way, but none could make us walk the path or generate a mass enlightenment. This clearly indicates that we all have to go through our own process, a process which might take many lifetimes - there is no fast track and there are no magic tricks that can be performed to change this. The idea that we are all one with God strongly resonates with me, and I spent much of my time on the stage looking at the faces there reminding myself that each and every one of them is Ram and that I should show them as much respect as I do Amma. There is no point in my having respect and devotion for a Saint if I treat other people as substandard or unworthy. Sameness of being with all is monumentally challenging for me but where I feel essential work needs to be done. All are Ram.... Even if they are sometimes a pain in the arse. It’s all for my benefit to encourage me to grow and move beyond myself....

Club Amma - 6th March 2014

3/8/2014

2 months after our initial experience at Amritapuri, we are back. The overnight journey from Kanhangad passed without event, except for my being annihilated by mosquitoes. I have over 50 bites on my head, fingers, back, arms and legs and they are itching like crazy. Lots to observe and let go of there. I keep telling myself I am not the body, but it ain’t helping ;) Nix is fortunate enough never to get bitten. I nearly forgot Bishop Eli.... Nix (mistakenly) got into a conversation with an Orthodox Christian Bishop from Mangalore sitting across from us who looked uncannily like Samuel L Jackson. I pretended to be asleep as I heard him preach to her. A couple of times Nix tried to drag me into the conversation, but I wasn’t having any of it. She thoughtfully gave him my email address. Nice work Nix. The next morning as we were getting ready to leave the train Bishop Eli came straight back into the mix. He sat down next to us again, told me that he sees grace in me and that Nix and I are exactly are the sort of people he is looking for in his “quest for souls”. I willed us to arrive at Karunagappally station quickly. Fortunately it did, and our souls remained intact and in our possession.

We’ve been put on the 11th floor of one of the large tower blocks at the Ashram, which makes for a great view but a hell of a lot of stairs to climb since there is only 1 lift operational that takes a maximum of 5 passengers at a time. The silver lining there is that Nix and I have lots of time to chant Ram Nam on the way up ;) And there is an occasional breeze on the stairs which is non-existent in the lift.... And it improves our health. So there are actually 3 silver linings. Bonus.

It’s quite odd being back as we have to readjust to the Amirtapuri way of doing things and being around a lot of Westerners, but we know from our past experience that once we surrender and participate we will get on just fine. There are less people than there were at Xmas/New Year, although that still makes about 3000 more than there are at Anandashram ;) We arrived yesterday morning and signed up for Darshan with Amma a few hours later. It was quite a challenge to stay awake in the bhajan hall since the temperature is very hot at this time of year, and we had no sleep on the train at all the night before, but we managed it. As we waited a group of Japanese Buddhist monks on stage played chants from the Prajnaparamita. The only instruments used were a bamboo flute and their voices. It sounded otherworldly and was highly conducive to going inward. I quietened down whilst we slowly snaked our way along the queue and asked Amma for assistance in the way I thought best:

“Please help me surrender to God’s will, please help me to see all beings and all things as one with God at all times, and please help me to overcome my weaknesses.”

I repeated this continuously with as much sincerity and concentration as I could muster. The last time I asked Amma for help it came in quite unexpected and challenging ways, so asking her to help me surrender to God’s will made me feel somewhat nervous, but as Swami Ramdas says fearlessness is essential to walk the path, so here goes....

After receiving Darshan one of the line assistants told me to go and sit directly behind Amma on the stage, so I walked behind her, sat on the floor, crossed my legs, closed my eyes and continued to repeat my call for assistance continuously for the next 3 hours. I had pain in my back and legs, and my mosquito bites were screaming for attention as well, but after some time both subsided whilst I repeated my request to Amma. It was a similar experience to chanting Ram Nam and helped me concentrate myself and go inside. If it hadn’t I would never have been able to sit cross legged on a marble floor without any sort of cushioning and without moving for several hours. I think Amma’s presence had a lot to do with that too. I kept thinking of the many trials and hardships Ramdas and all other Saints had gone through to move forward on the spiritual path and how insignificant my pain, discomfort and efforts were in comparison. I also reminded myself how fortunate I was to be sitting behind a realized being and how I should make best use of this time to go beyond the pain and discomfort and continue to ask for help with all sincerity. I need to move beyond myself and do so without delay.... Time to become zero. Nix tells me that she went through a very similar process in asking Amma for assistance. It’s great that we seem to both be thinking and experiencing in similar ways during this journey.

I didn’t sleep much last night. My bites flared up after midnight and kept me awake until morning. This provided me with another opportunity for Ram Nam (and calamine lotion). This morning we signed up for Seva – Nix will be chopping vegetables and I will be sweeping the Bhajan Hall and dining areas. As we walked back from signing up, we were called by a Nun to help her clean several thousand book covers from the Ashram printing press. Seva was evidently destined to begin earlier than we had planned ;) She told us it would take half an hour. It took 2 and a half. But then again, the Nun was Indian, and I should know better – along with queuing, time and distance estimates are not strong suits for Indians. However, the additional time allowed for more Ram Nam ;) As I sat singing to myself and cleaning covers, it occurred to me that Amma was already helping me surrender to God’s will by putting me on this detail. I also remembered exploits from Swami Ramdas’ autobiography that illustrated his total and cheerful surrender to Ram’s will. Time for me to do the same in this small way. Earlier, as we had been waiting for the Seva office to open, we watched Ashramites sitting across from us folding leaflets and I commented to Nix how I would like to be put on that duty this time instead of composting. I thought it would be a suitably repetitive and non-conversational job which would allow for chanting Ram Nam easily. There was also the added incentive of being indoors and not having to deal with cow shit in the heat and humidity ;) I got my wish sooner than expected in the form of the book covers ;)

The Ashram has fixed up the pool at the bottom of our block. I think that the drowning incident in December was a motivational factor in this. There are now signs up all over the beach warning people against swimming due to the strong rip tides. I’m off to jump in the water now and seek some relief from the heat and this perpetual itching. Unfortunately for Nix the Ashram rules dictate that she has to wear a smock type dress whilst swimming, so she’s going to stick to showers. In many ways guys have it easier in India....

Labour of Lungi - 2nd March 2014

3/2/2014

I swapped out the 5 metre sari lungi hybrid for 2 smaller ones which are a bit more manageable. Another customer in the shop, who was waiting for his wife, spontaneously hugged me and proclaimed that I am a good man. I can’t see that happening in Constantia Village anytime soon ;) When we returned to the Ashram I still needed a lungi lesson, and several abortive attempts to tie it, with Nix offering moral support and guidance throughout, before I could wear it at all. I’m not entirely sure that I am wearing it correctly now, but at least it hasn’t fallen down ;) Ram be praised. I shaved my head this morning, so the bald head combined with ochre lungi means I’m getting max respect from the other Ashramites ;)

Indian men are like proud peacocks where their hair is concerned. I waited 30 minutes in the first barber shop I visited for the guy in the chair to have his beard tweaked. He was incredibly anal about it and wouldn’t let the barber finish - quite pointlessly so I thought, since his beard didn’t do him any favours, but who am I to judge eh. I was on the verge of telling him to get on with it, when he finally consented to the beard trimming being satisfactory. I thought it was my turn next but 2 other guys who were lurking outside rushed in. Good old Indian queuing in full effect again. I decided to bail. No way was I going to wait another hour while the barber styled their facial hair. I tried another barber. There was a queue of a dozen or so guys sitting outside. That wasn’t going to work either. Third time lucky, I found a barber shop that seemed to be markedly less popular. Probably because they didn’t do “fancy” styles and only had old men for customers. I couldn’t care less. My needs were very minimal. Cut throat razor all over.... Anyone can do that. And do it they did, for half the price of every other shave I’ve had in India. I left the shop with all major arteries intact and without any skin lacerations. Big up.

Whilst Nikki was taking photos of the 3 sisters who have taken a shine to her (Sundar’s Mum being one of them), they heard me playing harmonium and singing in the meditation hall on my own, and gave me props when I walked out. Apparently it sounded quite good. There’s talk of me leading a Ram Nam session when we come back from Amritapuri. Let’s see. I’m quite happy playing harmonium on my own, but I’m open to the possibility of playing for others too if folk are into the idea.

Today was Ram Nam day in a big way. Swami Muktananda attended all the Samadhi Mandir sessions which meant that everybody else also attended and gave it 110%. It made a fantastic change from the usual apathetic, tone deaf and timing deficient bloke’s sessions that can otherwise happen. My hands took a beating from the intensity of clapping, and my vocal chords were pushed to the max, but I felt super charged afterwards. Never thought I’d be part of the happy clappy crowd ;) I guess Bhakti suits me. Perhaps I’m in touch with my feminine side. Certainly looks that way in this lungi....

We went to see Swami Muktananda again last night to say thank you for our talk yesterday and for giving us the opportunity to surrender to God’s will. His eyes gleamed as he grinned at us in response. We recounted the train station story to him and he laughed out loud. Swami Chandrananda joined in. Swami Muktananda said we should come and see him before we go on Tuesday. As we walked out the study door we could hear them still laughing. We are looking forward to seeing Amma again. It’s not every day you get to spend time with a Saint, certainly not in Cape Town anyway. Similarly, we are looking forward to returning to Anandashram afterwards. The vibe is really good here and we are getting great benefit from living at the Ashram and participating in the schedule. I’m also going to be amped to play my freshly serviced harmonium and resume my lessons with Rajan....

Plan A to B then back to A - 1st March 2014

3/1/2014

We asked Swami Muktananda this morning if we could extend our stay till the end of the month. He said no. That wasn’t what we expected ;) He asked us what our plans were and we told him that we were thinking of going to Amma’s, but nothing was set in stone. He replied that we should go to Amma’s for 2 weeks then return. Time to put our surrender to God’s will vibe into practice! Swami Muktananda reminds me of Homma Sensei – a Japanese Aikido instructor whose dojo I lived in for some time in Denver. He has a similar sternness to him and looks directly at and right through you, as if he is sussing you out as you talk. You wouldn’t mess with him, and you wouldn’t be able to pull the wool over his eyes. I told him that my harmonium is in for repair and asked if we could wait till it was returned before leaving so I could take it with me to practice. He said we should nevertheless go and leave the harmonium at the ashram with Swami Sanyasinananda until we returned. So no more harmonium practice for me for a couple of weeks. Time to let go of that too. Amazingly, he went on to ask us if we needed money. Both Nix and I started to laugh. He had us so waxed. We told him that we didn’t, even though we always feel we could use more, but thanked him for the offer. Nix then asked him a question about a talk he gave yesterday. Whilst he spoke I got a very strong sense that this was all for our good, and that we needed to go to Amma’s Ashram. This sense meant that the initial feeling of disappointment transformed quickly into gratitude. When he finished replying to Nikki’s question, I said that I would like to ask him one last question. He stopped me and said “Please bring them the book.” Swami Chandrananda left the room and returned with a book explaining the Bhagavad Gita. I would have fallen off my chair if I hadn’t been sitting on the floor. My unvoiced question concerned where I could get hold of a copy of the Bhagavad Gita. Swami Muktananda is not your usual sort of guy. I have read many accounts of Saints, Swamis and Gurus who have supernatural abilities - apparently these are true. Swami Muktananda seems to possess telepathy. I laughed out loud and told him that was exactly what I was going to ask him about. He smiled and we thanked him for the kind gift before leaving his study to make our way into Kanhangad to buy train tickets for Tuesday.

As we sat in the rickshaw, I mulled over what had just happened. I was blown away by the interaction. It didn’t turn out the way we initially had hoped for, but in many ways it turned out better. I am reading Swami Ramdas’ book “In Vision of God” at the moment, and he comes up against so many situations where he has to surrender to God’s will, and he does so happily. Now it’s our turn. It feels good to see things this way. There is a lot less tension involved.

We had another test at the train station. When it came to our turn to speak to the lady at the bookings counter, she got up without a word and walked away for around half an hour leaving us standing there. Nix and I used the time to chant Ram Nam (God’s Name) to ourselves. I reminded myself that the kind bookings counter lady was providing us the opportunity to do this. I have to say it worked. My usual feelings of impatience and irritation didn’t arise. In fact, not only did they not arise, feelings of gratitude and wonderment arose in their place. Swami Ramdas definitely knows what he is talking about.

Disappointingly, I failed test number 3. An older man was pushed up right against me and had his hand clutching a ticket booking slip in my face for the entire time that we were waiting. He was clearly annoyed at having to wait and let out several sighs and groans so everyone could know this. I let his behaviour slide, we are in India after all and queuing politely is not Indians’ strong point, but when the lady returned he got more aggro and tried to push me out the way. I pushed him back. Things went South really quickly. A guy next to him started to shout that I shouldn’t push him. It turned out the guy was his father and I also got accused of being ageist and was told to show him respect. I responded that he had shown me no respect by pushing me in the first instance, and that I was making space for us at the desk again as we hadn’t finished our booking. Even Nix defended me, so he must really have pushed. Normally she wouldn’t back me on something like that. Anyway, reason and logic never work where angry people are concerned, I should know this by now. I instantly felt bad at having reacted instinctively and with my old patterns of anger – fighting fire with fire never works. Fighting never works full stop. So I attempted to calm the situation down but this didn’t work either, and more people started shouting. It was as if the anger was palpably permeating the entire train station. What I found curious was that nobody seemed to think the guy pushing me in the first place was a problem. I began to think that Swami Muktananda was behind it somehow to see how we would deal with the situation! So there was nothing for it but to bow and put my hands together to apologize then leave. Time to let that ego go again. More work needs to be done on my anger. It’s always there just below the surface. Maybe it always will be, but I need to be in control of it so that it doesn’t flare up. I need to substitute anger with love. If love is there anger cannot be. It is a very great challenge for me, but one I am prepared to face and overcome.

I let Rajan know that I won’t be able to come to harmonium classes for the next couple of weeks and he was gutted. I told him not to worry and that I will be back soon to pick up where I left off. We have no doubt that there is a good reason for us having to go to Amma’s. We’re open to, and excited about, that prospect. Swami Ramdas constantly mentions the need to surrender to God’s will, which he does at every turn. I believe him and see why this is necessary to progress on the spiritual path. Our perspectives have adjusted a great deal since being in India. In fact, it was Amma that propelled us on this path. Perhaps she wants to check up on us ;) Amma, here we come....